I recently was chatting with a friend who is getting married and they asked me what my top three tips would be for them as a queer couple as they are planning. It took me a moment to respond because there are so many things I would say to a queer couples but I quickly narrowed it down to what I think are the three biggest tips and I thought it would be helpful to share them here too! While I don’t think this is an exhaustive list or the only ways to have the queer wedding of your dream, I hope it gives any couples out there feeling a bit overwhelmed a place to start!

1.) Do things your own way

Planning a wedding can feel like having to do a whole of traditions that don’t feel anything like the couple you are, but it doesn’t have to be that way.  Your wedding should be about the two of you, the things you like and traditions that matter to you, but there will be people that tell you that you have to do this or that thing.  You have to wait to see each other till the ceremony. You have to have a wedding party. You have to wear a dress. Or a suit. You have wear white. It has to be formal. Or cheap.  Don’t listen to them.  If doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  Which leads us to number 2…

2.) Plan this thing together

Some of my favorite weddings have been the ones where the couple has brought together all the things and people they love for an epic party party celebrating who they are and how much they love each other.  And that’s what a wedding should be about right? The two of you. So plan this together and pull inspiration and ideas from the things that are you.  Love science and robotics? Have a robot ring bearer! Into craft beer?  Design your whole cocktail hour around craft beer! Was your first date at an art museum?  Maybe plan your wedding at an art gallery! Does your partner have a deep love of 90’s music?  Maybe have your whole dinner playlist be their favorite 90’s songs! Whatever it is you love, whatever things are the two of you love, plan your wedding around that and its going to be a day that not only feels like the two of you, but planning it together will be a lot more fun.  

In the same vein, so much of wedding culture is “bride” centric which as a queer couple can start to feel overbearingly hetronormative. And that’s because it is. By planning things together, doing wedding things together, it helps both of you feel connected to the process AND it will allow you to shut down folks who just don’t get that you are doing together, which feels so much less isolating. Heading into a dress shop or bakery or planning meeting alone can make the nerves all the worse, because you never know if the person you might be working with will be accepting. So do things together, and where that’s not possible, bring other queer friends for support instead!

3.) Hire Vendors That Hella Queer

This last one might seem like a duh to some of you, but I hear from a lot of couples that they didn’t think it matter if their DJ/florist/photographer was LGBTQ and how much they wish they would have hired someone from within the community.  Its one thing to be LGBTQ friendly, its a totally different thing to actually be queer as fuck and the later means you are getting to work with people who already get it, not ones you have to explain why neither one of you is “the man in the relationship” or why you are deciding to forgo traditions to do your own thing.  They already get it and it means they are even more ready to help you have the wedding of your dreams, not the wedding that is expected of you.  And this goes for all part of your day. Outfits to DJ’s to caterers to jewelers to planners to florists to photographers to venues.

And if you can’t find vendors that are hella queer that match your vision, ask the queer ones you are working with for recommendations for businesses outside the community who have a good track record of not only serving LGBTQ couples, but also being rad, open, and social conscious people as well. We provide our clients with a list of our favorite queer and not queer vendors, so if you need help, just ask!

Are you a queer couple who has gotten married that has some tips of your own? I’d love to hear them! Leave me a comment with what you think are some of the top tips for LGBTQ+ couples tying the knot!